Swellini, not to be confused with a Bellini

20 Jun

June 11th, 2011.  2:48 a.m.  Voicemail.

“Hey C, it’s Swellini.  I was just wondering when we were ever going to get together.  And, yeah, I’m just studying right now [laughing and cheersing in the background] and I just wanted to see what you’re doing tonight and, uh, maybe if we could get together.  You have a good night.”

I get the fact that it might be a little hard to really tell when night turns into morning.  I’m even willing to allow a little breathing room on the subject since it is summer and we have extended daylight.  Is it at the stroke of midnight?  Is it when most of Chicago usually goes to bed by?  Is it when Benchmark closes?  No matter what the answer is to any of these questions, let me call out one thing – calling a girl and asking her what she is doing “tonight” at 2:38 a.m. is classified as one word: terrible.  It is by no means appropriate, unless you are starting your day super early and were calling to ask what I was doing the following evening.  Which was a Sunday, and I think I’ve made it pretty clear to everyone that I do not want to hang out on Sunday.

I mean, did he really think I was going to answer and make immediate plans for the night with him?  Is that really the vibe I am giving off here?  If so, I am reevaluating my wardrobe, personality and top ten talking points for the opposite sex.  I’ll also be reevaluating life in general.

Let me tell you two things about my lifestyle.  One.  If I am not out drinking, I am in bed and asleep by 10 p.m.  Two.  If I am out drinking and it is 2:38 a.m. in the morning I have probably lost track of not only my friends and my morals, but my phone as well.  I nevah evah respond to anyone past midnight.  My only goal past midnight is to keep track of my drink, not my phone.  I just throw that puppy in my handbag and POOF it’s gone until the next morning.  It’s a great thing.  Keeps me out of a lot of trouble.  Keeps my voicemail full though… apparently.

And COME ON Swellini, nobody believes you were studying.  I could hear the cackling and drinking in the background right after you vomited those words out of your big mouth.  If you’re going to blatantly lie, then please go outside and at least pretend to pull the wool over my eyes.

June 18th, 2011.  12:55 a.m.  Text message.

One word:  my last name

Wow, a great second attempt at contact there, Sweeney Todd.  I’m really excited now.  When’s the wedding?  I’ve picked out my dress already.  It’s white.

June 18th, 2011 4:19 p.m.  My response.

I will no longer be accepting any correspondence from you past midnight.  Thank you for your attention to this text.

June 18th, 2011 4:21 p.m.  His response.

I’m in Maui – it was really 8 p.m.

June 18th, 2011 4:23 p.m.  My response.



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