Don’t Drink Dasani

20 Jul

So there I was..

All wrapped up in my million thread count sheets in my king-sized bed in my two room suite at the Gansevoort on Park, glass of wine in hand and True Life: I’m a Sugar Baby on MTV after a hard day of New York City style work. All this pleasure, after what I will credit as one of the more emotionally tumultuous weeks I’ve had in the past few years. Sometimes I think I am being dramatic, but this time I have the hives to prove that the stress is deteriorating my body both internally and externally. I also have three wrinkles in my forehead, which I credit to stress, not to frowning.

But there I was. Just giggling, enjoying an evening (and a bed) with my co-worker, trying to live a little. And then I receive this little number, from the man called Dasani:

4 Things I wanted you to know: 1. I have mono. 2. I think you’re an awesome person and have had such a good time getting to know you. 3. I’m really sorry I Haven’t been in touch. 4. I’ve realized I’m a bit of a mess and I need a good friend more than I need a girl friend. I would love for you to be a friend, at least for now if you wanted. Not asking you to wait, or claiming that I’ll figure myself out anytime soon, but that’s what I’ve got.

I think this text might be the first defining moment placed right in my hand to show me how worth it this blog is. Because if I hadn’t already posted my indifference and boredom with Dasani three weeks ago, then everyone (including a part of myself – I forget things easily) would think that I was just trying to cover up the fact that he doesn’t like me anymore. Which happens to not be the case. But there are so many bigger issues here to address. Way bigger issues.

4 Things I Want to Mention About the Text:

1. Never, ever casually mention to a former fling that you have mono. It’s just not comical. Or cute. It’s vile. Dasani, you’re such a slobbery piece of meat mixed with the most volatile case of bad breath. Do you even know what mono is? Did you not pass fifth grade when everyone made fun of the kids who got mono because it was “the kissing disease”? Do you think it’s even slightly funny that I could have contracted mono from you? You’re famously lucky that hives aren’t the first sign or I would think of a million things to make you feel worse. And then execute them. [not a death threat]

2. I don’t think you’re that awesome of a person and getting to know you has proven to be a waste of brain cells and memory. If you’re confused, please refer to the last time I saw you when I told you to start being fun and stop ruining my nights. To help out, here’s a short list of reasons you weren’t fun:

– You analyzed every date and never just let the evenings run their course. I understand you’re 30+, but you don’t need to try and make me marriage material on night one. Saying “I think this is working out” in the middle of the first date is not appropriate. Also, saying “I didn’t think I would like you in person but I do” is not appropriate. But thanks.

– You talked about your ex-girlfriend on more than one occasion (after I asked you to stop) and said OUTLOUD that you have baggage. More than once, and then again in writing.

– The seats in your car are covered with sheepskin, like the inside of an UGG boot. It’s summer.

– You didn’t even enjoy one of my favorite emails of all time… the one I sent you after you told me you worked in real estate, asking you to help me rent an apartment with a list of 15 ridiculous qualifications I needed the apartment to have in order for me to rent. Did you not get the joke that I really don’t need a hook in the kitchen for my apron or that it’s not true that I need a cat friendly apartment because I have four cats and I want to start breeding them?

3. Don’t care.

4. YOU CAN’T BREAK UP WITH ME BECAUSE WE WEREN‘T DATING. It’s called the silent slip away – if you haven’t heard from me in a few weeks and vice versa, then just assume it’s over. You don’t need to state it. You don’t need to shout it from a megaphone. It’s not like you had fourteen missed calls and ten un-responded to texts from me and you thought you owed me. It was over. I had already deleted you on BBM, which is my version of saying BYE. You don’t need to write a letter and wait for my official stamp of approval.

4.1. It’s clear to anyone with an IQ over 40 that you’re probably getting back with your ex-girlfriend. And that’s okay. It’s okay for so many reasons, but the first and main reason is that we just weren’t meant to be. And truthfully, all I genuinely care about is getting my sequin dress back. I’m going to be seriously pissed if I see your ex-girlfriend wearing it.

I’ve learned so much in the past year, but most importantly I’ve learned to be thankful that I’m not getting involved with the wrong person. I can make fun of Dasani for not “picking me”, but at least I am not waking up every morning next to some smelly person that I don’t have any interest in. I can’t imagine anything worse than being stuck in a relationship and blindly trying to find my way out, alone. I’m free to make my own decisions and I’m free to decide when love will work for me. And thanks to Clark (who I am rarely thankful for), I know that it’s out there for me and that I don’t have to settle until I find it. And I definitely don’t have to force it with a guy who is as boring as water.

So until he comes around – I’ll be here, wishing I was still in that king-sized bed. And I won’t go chasing waterfalls (TLC).

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2 Responses to “Don’t Drink Dasani”

  1. K July 20, 2011 at 9:25 pm #

    You’re best one yet.

  2. K July 20, 2011 at 9:26 pm #

    Your best one yet.

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