OctNOber

4 Oct

I can’t really remember what I did last October. Whatever it was I was doing, I certainly wasn’t dating anyone. October of last year was omitted due to over indulgence in alcohol.

Two years ago in October, I had already packed my bags and moved in with Clark. We had known each other for one month at that point. I made us breakfast when I got up, dinner when I got home and I ordered all of our groceries from a Peapod account that was linked to his credit card. I also stole $20 bills out of his wallet so I could pay for cabs to work, which I feel like I need to cop to because it was a low point for me. The habit started in October, which is why it pertains to this post. Hopefully one day I’ll stop making excuses for doing that (he deserved it for breaking up with me over Skype, he still has a ton of my merchandise in his fancy NYC apartment which equals more than I stole, he’s ugly and balding and should have paid even more for my affection, etc.).

I think that this October will be the dead middle of the two – the blissful in between of not being alone and not acting like I am married. But it’s only October 2nd, so I don’t really know how it will end up yet.

What I do know is that all of my annoying, whorish boyfriends from the past year have reached out to me over text message in the past week or so, emerging from the black hole I banished them to. Case and point:

BP – the married guy
Him: Hey Benchmark
Me: Who is this?
Him: Michael, you came to my fourth of July party?
[no response]
Him: Remember me?
Me: No

Evan – the guy who stalked my phone after I met him at Moe’s Cantina
Him: You at Moe’s Cantina?
Me: Who is this?
Him: Evan from Moe’s Cantina
[no response]
Him: Remember, you kissed me at Moe’s Cantina?
Me: Lose my number
Him: I know

Robert – the first guy I went on an official date with after Clark, who had one eyebrow
Him: Hey Hollywood, how is work? I bet it’s booming
[no response – but good one]

Hunter – the guy that picked me up from the airport after we met once
Him: Why did you delete me from BBM?
Me: Because you changed your BBM name to Honey Badger and I didn’t know who it was
Him: LOL it’s an inside joke

Jon – the guy who was friends with Clark, who I started seeing 11 days after Clark dumped me – aka the disaster
Him: Can I get my sunglasses back?
Me: Sure, but it’s been over a year. You haven’t gotten new sunglasses yet?
Him: How are you?

And then there’s Dweeb. Who has texted, called and stalked daily for the past three weeks. Honestly Dweeb, I am so glad you have come to the conclusion that I am the only one for you, but get off it. I’m not coming back. I don’t want to go to any concerts with you, I don’t want to talk on the phone at 11 a.m. on a Saturday and I don’t care that you have sooo much money. Bottle service at Underground doesn’t sound exciting and I can buy my own drinks, thank you. Go find someone else to drop in a snow bank and eat your dose of karma for dinner.

Instead of ignoring him, which is my favorite tactic to date, K and I decided to play a little prank on the Dweebster. It was a Wednesday, and we were out getting bagel sandwiches for lunch at our favorite place in Old Town. Conveniently, it’s about two blocks from where Dweeb lives and works from home. So we decided to deliver a high priority, full-sized pickle with one bite eaten from it to his doorman, with the direction that Dweeb needs to come down and sign for the package. Ten minutes later K and I are laughing our asses off from outside the building as Reed comes down in basically pajamas to sign for the pickle (which is wrapped in a plastic garbage bag). So bootleg and so funny. It looked like we were delivering a bag of crack to his doorstep. Crack for a whack.

Since then, Dweeb has exclaimed that he is “taking his ball and going home”, I think meaning that he is done trying. He’s not athletic at all. To which I replied, “you’re already home”. I think that will be the end of that… unless he gets more concert tickets.

So let’s raise our glasses and cheers to all of you poor Chicago guys who have not a clue – congratulations on making it through summer and sorry that you’re just realizing you’re going to be single for fall and winter.

I’m busy this season, but here’s to hoping for spring!

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